I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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