Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
