come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
