just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
