Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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