everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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