I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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