That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
