I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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