I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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