3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
