Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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