So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i need some magic done to my vagina
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
