I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
