____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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