If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
