I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
