my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
