Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
