Sponge bath it is.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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