Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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