Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
