It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
