i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Say something about gay babies.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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