i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
