I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
