dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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