My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
