I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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