oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
