I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
