he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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