Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
