He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I did not marry a roomba.
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