On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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