tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
