Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
