We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
