i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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