No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
