Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
