I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Randomize
