my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Randomize
