And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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