I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Mom said you looked used
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
