I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
