I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
