OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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