Whats the glycemic index on semen?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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