You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
