u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
