I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
