So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i need some magic done to my vagina
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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