i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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